Kristine Cuer

I don’t know why I keep coming back to this point.

Sometimes it feels like I need to think it over and over again.

All these thoughts encumbering my mind—as if in slow motion swirling in my head—contemplating, testing my sanity—gathering to form a galaxy of thoughts undiscovered—slow-motioning in the vast realm of space.

I am not trying to be poetic. I’m not trying to be melodramatic or deep either. Right now my heart simply speaks of poetry as I often used before my being had been branded and clouded by mechanical work and mundane routines.

As I sit here in the office, disturbed by the occasional ringing of phones, I am struck with a nostalgic sense of epiphany — of how my life has been like a black and white movie — dull, boring, old, stale and fairly-predictable.

I hate negativity. Believe me when I say that I am trying to be optimistic all the time. But in my life-long study of human behavior— moments such as this is perfectly normal.

Just like for the first time in my work life — I am struggling to be happy.

I intend to fly, my about page states. But I feel like I am falling into this dark abyss where my dreams got lost a long the way and found my self disappeared for a while.

When all this time all I had wanted is to fly up high like a kite and brush my fingers across the sky. But always, most of the time, I could never get high enough.

I could never soar.

I could never come close to heaven.

That like a weather worn kite that’s torn, grimy and beaten, it feels like I’d never leave the ground.

Then I am left to wait…waiting for someone to pick me up, to clean and patch me back up and raise me to the sky, full of hope that I’ll get there.

Or maybe It’s better for me to get up and simply walk bare-footed instead of flying. It feels like it’s the only way for me escape my forfeit from a competition that I know I’ve already lost.

I know my life will never be perfect the way you understand the word. Even I is pretty much aware of that. Cause maybe all I need right now is a wind for my kite to take flight again and to finally find its way to heaven.