Kristine Cuer

I’ve been sick for 4 days. Though I don’t think I am back to my 100% self yet. Up until now, I am yet to recover my singing voice. OK, my speaking voice if you will. I’m munching raw ginger as we speak.

Of course I’ve thought about it before. I’ve been staying here in Cebu for exactly 4 years now and like what I usually say, it’s in times that I feel vulnerable especially when I’m sick that I got myself questioning my long overdue stay here. My 2-year plan is already 2 years past its expiration date.

There’s no denying that I’ve learned to love this place. And that though work can be a pain but it sure can be fun (as long as bosses don’t interfere). I’ve also met great people and made friends in the office. I even fell head-over-heels over a guy during my stay here.

But for the most part, I am still alone here in the big city. I have to rely on my self and my self alone to get through the day.

However when somebody ask it to you out right, “What will you do if you got really really sick that you can’t get up and you feel like dying from the pain?”, you can’t help but ask yourself as well, Yes…what will I do?

When my office-friend Martha ask that to me it got me wondering what if indeed I found myself in such situation? Maybe I’d call mom which is kind of pathetic in a way since she’s no where near but maybe just hearing her voice could give me enough strength to pull myself out of the bed. But I don’t know. Thankfully, I’ve managed well and beyond my expectations of what’s needed to survive this so-called-independent life that I so cherish.

I’ve always believed that it doesn’t mean you’re not important when you don’t have anyone. I’ve always thought that you can never really know what you really want to be in someone else’s life until you know your real self. And that you’ll never really know who you want to be with not until you know your self completely. There are those who enters a relationship for comfort — just so they won’t be alone. And that’s something I’ve constantly tried to avoid — relying so much on social validation. I’d like to think I’ve dealt with loneliness pretty well. And that I’m not afraid of independence and especially not afraid of my own company. Mostly because life happened. A life that’s not muddled by the strains of relationships and love.

But who am I kidding right? Sometimes, you also get sick and not just literally sick but you just get sick and tired of being alone. Is it because my imagination has been crafting and designing what my heart wants that I’m scared that maybe reality will never compare to it? Maybe I have to constantly remind myself that reality always fall short from fiction. Maybe I’ve always been the one who’s at fault for never really giving it a chance.

And so all I can do for now is just wonder, how much longer is it still going to take?